A little over a week ago I was walking through my living room and stubbed my toe. Not sure on what – it could have been anything from a guitar to a hind catcher’s helmet. The point is, when I did, it broke a small little corner of my big toenail.

Now me being a too-lazy-to-walk-in-the-bathroom-to-get-the-clippers kind of girl, I decided just to jerk the little piece of broken nail off and let that be the end of the story.

Wrong answer.

What I unintentionally pulled off my toe was the entire skin fold from tip to root.

My inner child is still screaming.

After the initial pain and shock, I figured it was all good. It was a little tender but, hey, I am woman. I’ve had babies. This is nothing, right?

Whatev-ah.

The end result has been a disgusting infection (TMI?) which has necessitated my limping for days now. The only silver lining I can see at this point is that I’ll have an awesomely buff right thigh from hauling the rest of my gimpy self around.

I was pretty certain I would end up having to go to the doctor so last night I got online to see if I could find pictures of a similar problem and what kind of treatment I might expect.

Another wrong move.

I found a YouTube video of an actual ingrown toenail surgery. Someone tell me why I watched it? Have you ever watched a horror movie knowing you didn’t want to see the hatchet job about to happen but some twisted part of you just couldn’t turn it off? That same sickening fascination took over my body. I watched from the time the doc plunged in the pinky-thick anesthesia needle until he pulled out the funkiest hunk of toenail you can possibly imagine. Truly, the size of what was hiding in that man’s foot boggled the mind.

The heebie jeebies. I still have them.

So, after seeing that video I was bound and determined I wasn’t going anywhere near a doctor even though I didn’t have this same ailment. My only option was alternative medicine.

Now, in the course of my injury I’ve had quite a few suggestions as to what I could do to heal my toe old wives tale style. One of these came from my friend Jenny who suggested putting it in turpentine.

Yep. Turpentine.

I can totally see how soaking in a hazardous, flammable liquid would take care of my problem right away. If you no longer have a toe, you no longer have an infected toe, yes?

I found a much more reasonable course of treatment that included soaking it in warm salt water. Hmmmm….Salt Water vs. Turpentine. How’s a girl to choose?

And now I must stand and give a testimony.

Warm salt water is the Healing Nectar of the Lord. In only an hour my foot was miraculously on the mend after days and days of peroxide and Neosporin accomplished nothing. I was actually able to put my foot in a closed-toed shoe today. Not that I plan on doing that often because, hello? It is the season of the flip flop.

In the meantime, we just gotta keep the cute little Morton girls with umbrellas from realizing the power they possess. It’ll be a bad day if they join forces with the oil sheiks and learn the art of price gouging.

Or worse, take their product to Ebay.

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