UPDATE: I fixed comments so you don’t have to fill out a name and address. Sorry! :)
Quite some time ago, I asked you girls some questions about a project that was and remains heavy on my heart. Now that most of the edits are complete on Cute Shoes, it’s time to begin committing thoughts and research on this next subject to screen. I’m officially working on (as in I’m almost complete with an Introductory Chapter) a submission package in hopes it will find a publishing home. (Wink, wink, David C. Cook friends:)
This book- complete with Bible study application- is about coming clean and allowing the sometimes terrifying yet always liberating light of God’s Word to invade the dark abyss of conscience. It’s facing the secrets we all keep and embracing the freedom that comes from telling the truth. It’s finding a community of believers with whom you are safe. (And yes, I realize that is easier said than done and therein lies a big part of our problem.) It will be a guide to living a fully disclosed life through the refining power of the Holy Spirit.
My first invitation is for you to respond to the following poll:
Now, I’d like to repost the original questions I asked and encourage you – if you feel compelled – to answer them now if you didn’t get the chance in the past. Please note that I intend to pull quotes from these responses to include in the book so you must answer anonymously in order for those to be used.
Seems a little counter-productive for me to be writing a book on confession and telling you to be sure to remain anonymous, doesn’t it? I’m really not trying to offer you a beer before I give you an AA brochure. It boils down to permissions difficulties if I know your name. Crazy, huh?
With that said, here are a few questions to consider:
1. Do we try to keep our secret from God? (There have been times I mistakenly thought if I didn’t word the issue to Him, it somehow didn’t exist.) Or perhaps we are just in denial with Him about the way it truly affects our relationship with Him and others.
2. Do we always have to tell it? Is there a time we can confess it to God, stop it, release it, process it through Scripture and then walk away?
3. What are we afraid of? Who are we trying to protect by holding on so tightly?
4. To what lengths are we willing to go to keep it? Will we become a habitual liar to keep people from knowing we lied once?
5. What does it feel like when we do some truth-telling? To lay still and let God open us up and do a little secret-otomy. We know we can trust God to still accept us, but can we trust what people will do to us with the information? Can we handle it?
6. What kinds of things do we lie about? S*x, Infidelity, Money, Abuse, Addiction?
7. Does our secret even have to be something “big”? If who we claim to be doesn’t add up to who we are in reality, does that make us a pretender? I love the meaning of the word conscience – it means, “to see throughout, transparency”. Is there consistency between our hearts and our hands?
Obviously there are many other facets to this topic and I welcome any and all of your thoughts. I’ve been particularly vulnerable in this area because of my role as a minister’s wife and as a woman’s minister myself. God has done a great work on me and my heart’s prayer is to be able to outline concise steps to living a completely disclosed life.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Lisa
13 comments
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June 22, 2009 at 8:37 pm
brandi
This may be way more than you have time for, but my husband preached a sermon on the spiritual discipline of confession back in november and i really enjoyed it (i’m not biased or anything ;) ). it’s something that we tend to think of as Catholic, and therefore “not something we do,” or else we go overboard with “being real.” the sermon is 31 minutes long if you wanted to listen. go to itunes, search “christ church brenham” and look for the “confession” sermon. i’ll come back and answer the other questions in another comment, since this isn’t very anonymous.
(btw, it won’t let me post this without entering some sort of name and email. not easy to stay completely anonymous that way???)
June 22, 2009 at 9:37 pm
thepreacherswife
Thank you Brandi..I’ll give it a listen! Part of this book is going to discuss the background of the Penitential Psalms…:)
June 22, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Shanda
I will be pondering these questions and possibly return to make my “anonymous” response for you later on.
God has done a work in me as well. He has released me from this kind of heaviness of holding onto secrets. You worry that you will lose more than you gain for being open and transparent; but the irony remains that the truth sets you free. Satan would love to keep those secret things hidden and keep us from true intimacy with God and others; but it isn’t until we are able to be open/transparent that we know real intimacy.
June 26, 2009 at 11:03 am
moxie
Please grant me the grace to respond to somethings you mentioned in your entry. I rededicated my life to Christ in 1981, but I was still seething with resentment and bitterness and unforgiveness toward my parents, who neglected and abused me until I was 14, when I left home to make it on my own. I would hear the sermons on forgiveness, attended the Bill Gothard week-long conference that had much to say about forgiveness, and I would read about it in the Scriptures. For months, I would mouth the prayer, Lord, I forgive them; and then say, Lord, I am lying. You see, I thought if I were to forgive my parents, that somehow that was letting them off the hook, so to speak, like what they did to me never happened. That was a terrifically strong rope I was hanging myself on, much to the delight of satan, who keeps us bound for as long as we allow him. Well, about 2 years later, I was at a YWAM service where Mel Tari was ministering (“Like a Mighty Wind;” “Like a Gentle Breeze”), and he spoke about something that I had heard numerous times: the need to forgive, and how it impedes us more than it does the offender. The offender is walking around, living life, and not thinking twice about who (s)he’s hurt. But unforgiveness clogs the pipes btwn God and one’s self. (I’m a plumber’s daughter; what can I say? :) ) I suppose upon hearing the message one more time, my human reasoning and emotions caught up with God’s long-suffering grace, and I was set free! I went home that night to my empty apartment (not married yet) and I said right out loud, Mom and Dad, consider yourselves forgiven! Gone was the seeping-into- the-marrow poison of bitterness; gone were all of the excuses of blaming my parents for everything bad that had/was happening in my life (well, I’m this way because…). Moreover, I was eventually able to visit my parents after 9 years of silence. I first asked for their forgiveness where I had caused them pain; then I told them I forgave them for all of the grudges I had held against them all of these years. They reacted in surprise to find out I had felt that way towards them for years. Oh, what a tangled web satan does weave for God’s children. Indeed, right after I took off from home at 14, my parents went on a vacation! Imagine that! I guess that is what best soothed them at the time.
One last thought on this subject: although forgiveness is absolutely necessary to be free, one must also learn to “unbelieve” some long-held core beliefs that were actually lies, and one must learn new coping skills, because the old ones will still trip one’s self up. As I mentioned in a post down below, I am 53 years old, and all of these unresolved issues came slamming into the forefront much to the dismay of my family. Forgiving my parents did not relieve me of depression because I hadn’t surrendered that part of my life, that coping skill, no matter how insufficient, to Christ. Only now, during these hellish five years am I having to confront these issues, but now I am safe in the arms of Abba Father.
June 23, 2009 at 5:55 am
thepreacherswife
Thank you Brandi..I’ll give it a listen! Part of this book is going to discuss the background of the Penitential Psalms…:)
BTW I love your blog!
June 23, 2009 at 8:05 am
Anonymous
I choose to not tell others about different areas or choices I’ve made in my life because I really think our fellow “brothers and sisters” are, more times than not, a harsher critic and more judgemental than anyone.
1. I think it’s pretty pointless. Although with some topics I just sort of, oh glaze right on over them not wanting to submerge into the details. ;)
2. I don’t think we always have to tell others. It’s probably good for our emotional welfare to tell. And it’s also nice to allow God’s hand and grace to be shown to others when we do tell.
3. The whispers. The inaccurate assumptions and conclusion jumping. The gossip. In the end we are probably trying to protect our character and integrity.
4. I’m not really sure. But I’d venture to say, it is true that one lie leads to another. So if anyone is lying to cover something up, it could spin out of control.
5. Truth telling can be painful, but it’s also exhilirating to know we did not lie. I think it’s hard to trust others with personal, detailed information because we don’t know their ideas or intentions of what to do with information.
Gossip comes in many sizes and colors. How many times have you heard someone, or been the one to say: oh we should be praying for so and so. I heard/was told that this and this is happening and she did this and this. We need to keep her in prayer.” Hardcore gossip smoothed over with the tainted preface of praying. And the worst part? They may not even have the details right! lol
6. I’ve seen and heard alot about money. Infidelity and s*x not so much. Addiction and abuse, I’ve seen plenty of women trying to cover up for their husbands.
7. No absolutely not! I think what makes the difference is everyone’s different thermometer level of acceptance. If the youth leader was a party animal in college while I would not think twice of it, others may think that openness and their supplying of that information would lead older youth to think it’s acceptable behavior.
And yes I do think that makes us a pretender. But more of a pretender of God’s grace. If as Christians we cannot be accepting of EVERYONE’S mistakes and God’s grace to forgive His children’s behaviors and actions, then how do we share our struggles that glorify His grace and His lessons to us with those shaky in their faith or shaky in their belief of forgiveness, and even those who are unbelievers period?
June 23, 2009 at 8:58 am
Anonymous
1. Not in a direct fashion. But I know I will not spend a great deal of time hashing it over.
2. I don’t think we always have to tell. But I think our choice to tell brings God glory and shows His faithfulness of forgiveness and mercy.
3. Alot. Gossip. Rumors. Inaccurate details. I think we’re afraid of our ministry, leadership or ability being called into question due to current or past choices. Let’s face it, there are definitely those in the congregation who, as ‘brothers and sisters’ have a great potential to be our harshest critic.
And especially the gossip too. In particular the one that’s tainted and prefaced with “prayer”- eg: I just found out/was told about so and so. She did this and this. Wow. I can’t believe it. We really need to keep her in prayer. The worst part is, half the time when statements like this are relayed, the information is not even accurate.
4. I think the lengths people will embrace to keep it hush-hush are dependant upon how severe they see the action. I do think lying about it only breeds the need to spin a web of lies though.
5. I think it’s freeing, releasing and exhilirating to tell the truth. It’s hard, no doubt about it. Can we handle what others may do? Probably not which is why I think there’s such reservations and apprehension to tell.
6. I think people lie about everything and anything they fear will bring negative reactions or gossip. I don’t think there’s anything off limits. At all. Whatsoever.
For instance: one afternoon the town’s water company came through and came to our door with a turn off notice. It’s not that we couldn’t afford to pay. It’s that I lose the postcard bill all the time, and ultimately forget about it (out of sight, out of mind). When the neighbor asked my husband what the town wanted, instead of saying that I lost the bill and forgot all about it and they were bringing a pay now or turn off notice, he said they were “dropping off paperwork”.
7. I don’t think our secret needs to be big. I think we all have a different thermometer of acceptance. What I find acceptable, you may find appalling. And as a result, I think we clam up just not telling anyone. For instance (this is not true at all): Let’s say the youth leader was quite the playah’ and partier in college. I wouldn’t frown upon it, but others may think those details should not be talked about because impressionable teenaged youth may think it’s acceptable.
I do think it makes us a pretender. But more of a pretender of God’s grace. If we can’t be honest with one another about how God refines, teaches and bestows grace to His children when they make wrong choices, how can we encourage others to understand His love, His forgiveness?
I think the consistency lapses between our heart and hand when our head fills with fear of the consequences.
June 23, 2009 at 9:10 am
Anonymous
Sorry Lisa. Somehow it posted twice. I didn’t think it went through the first time, so feel free to delete one of them.
June 23, 2009 at 9:44 pm
thepreacherswife
Thanks for your responses..! I’ll leave them both if that’s okay since they are a little different. Great insight and I really appreciate your taking the time to participate. :)
June 23, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Anonymous
1. I do think we can be in “denial” about how God feels about a certain “secret” we are keeping from others. As believers, we know we can’t keep the secret from Him, as he is the all-knowing God. But I do think we can “mold” our thinking to the point of believing the fact that maybe God doesn’t think our sin/secret is quite THAT bad … Instead of allowing ourselves the beautiful privilege we receive as Christians to be FORGIVEN and freed from our secret.
2. I don’t believe we ALWAYS have to tell it. I think that is situational … I believe confessing before the Lord is first and foremost, and I do believe confessing to our trusted neighbor can bring healing, but sometimes I do believe that it is best kept between you and the Lord.
3. I know for me, with secrets I have or have had in the past, I’ve been afraid of what other people will think of me. There are certain things from my past that few people do know. I know I’ve been truly forgiven for them, but sometimes they do still haunt me. Things like “what would so-and-so think” or “so-and-so would NEVER think of you the same” or “people would think less of you” go through my head about certain “secrets” I have, even after I’ve been forgive by my heavenly Father. Crazy, but I have to depend on His Word and His compassion to get me through those times of believing the lies. But I think that’s why we’re afraid to tell.
4. Hmmm … Good question. I think, depending on the secret or the lie, sometimes we will go to amazing lengths to keep it. I know some people who have had their lives turned completely upside down because they made one bad mistake and then had to lie, lie, lie to cover it up!
5. Truth-telling can be utterly painful! It can be painful to confess to the Lord and accept forgiveness, yes, but truth-telling to others is just honestly the worst. The feelings that the Lord allows to sweep over you are worth it and great, but the pain of wondering what the other people are going to do with the information is the hard part. Truly learning and accepting the grace, mercy and forgiveness from the Lord is key to accepting how others are going to handle themselves.
6. I think your list of “what we choose to lie about” is very good … Those are all key things we can like about. I think our pasts are what we tend to lie about most. I know for me, it was hard to admit about somethings about my past to my husband. I don’t think every little bitty detail is necessary, but yes, I think being truthful about things with the people closest to you is important and freeing.
7. I do believe that we should strive to be the same person on the inside AND the outside. I do feel like we should strive to live from the “inside out.” If we’re all honest, we’ve all pretended to be something we’re not at times, and I believe we’re all guilty of it at some point in our lives. I believe we should strive as hard as we can towards the goal of living transparent, God-honoring lives, even if that means others see the messy that is our past or even our present. God accepts us, mess and all, and that is what’s most important!
June 24, 2009 at 8:35 pm
anonymous
1. I think I assume God knows, and He’s furious. I’m hiding from Him because as soon as I go to Him, it will be such an ORDEAL. I fear that it will take hours of crying and prayer and bleh…just can’t deal with that right now, it can wait another day. i don’t expect the reaction of the father in the prodigal son story. i expect to come back to a serious “sit down.”
2. yes, i think so. the markers for me of what needs a more public confession: public sin. confess to anyone involved and uninvolved witnesses. habitual, repetitive sin. accountability is a help in these. example: i don’t need to call someone to confess every time i yell at my kids. but i do need to confess to them every time, and anyone who overhears. and if it’s a bad week of yelling i need to talk to my husband, and maybe another mom, preferably older.
3. see my answer to 1.
4. i don’t know. i think i’ve mastered a sort of partial confession, that feels
“honest enough” but doesn’t reveal the magnitude. “well, yeah, i’ve struggled with that, but i’m really growing now.” very vague sort of half-truth.
5. it is usually a relief, if the “audience” is well-chosen. some people cannot be trusted, no, but hopefully you do have someone you can trust. lack of discretion and a too-free confession feels like a knot in my stomach.
6. hmm, i don’t know. yes, probably, all of those. i feel like moms work hard to seem like good moms in the eyes of the other moms, so you might get some distortion there. talking about the crafts and nature hikes, not mentioning the tv time and fighting….that sort of thing. or presenting a false impression of the health of a marriage.
7. that’s sort of what i was getting at with my answer to 6. we “give false impressions” all day long. it’s not exactly a “secret” that i have ever yelled at my kids, but i may give the impression that it’s more rare than it really is. i communicate what i wish was reality. a certain sense of shame and privacy is appropriate though, and not necessarily wrong to maintain….it can be hard to find the line.
June 25, 2009 at 7:23 am
Joanne (The Simple Wife)
Hey girl!
I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and know this isn’t anonymous and am not sure how helpful it’ll be, but figure we can always chat about it more some other time…
Anyway, I don’t keep secrets. I think it’s because when Toben was diagnosed as bipolar and our life fell apart it was just so awful that I couldn’t keep up any pretense. I was desperate for someone–anyone–to help or understand or love me that I let it all out in the open.
I got some funny looks for sure (the first time I visited a Bible study with all these beautiful, perfect women in a beautiful, perfect home and did the ugly cry in front of total strangers, for example). But I didn’t have any energy to pretend things were fine when they really weren’t.
Toben and I talk about the junk in our marriage all the time–the stuff we’d like to hide and keep secret. But. Knowing that someone has to “go first” sometimes to get a conversation on a real level, we’ve just really committed to keeping it real.
Not because we’re brave. But because this is one of the ways that God redeems what was horrible in our life together and uses it for his glory.
Not sure how much sense that all makes. It’s early. I’ve only had half a cup of coffee, and I sat down at the computer before having my quiet time and getting my brain up and working and focused!
Anyway…love you much!
Joanne
June 26, 2009 at 12:08 am
moxie1956
1.) I am not stupid enuf to think I can keep anything from God. Your last sentence hits it on the head. Ouch…
2.) NO! Persons need to be told only what they need to hear. When the “silent” is under the blood of Christ, it is not necessary to be an open book telling all.
3.) I am not transparent with my peers. Everyone looks up to my husband, a minister. He is intelligent; challenges the congregation when he preaches; the children adore him, especially as a VBS volunteer; and his Sunday school eats up every word he says, balanced with open discussion. I do not, never have, measured up to his stature in the church community. He would love to have me by his side ministering together, but that won’t happen any time soon. Years of major depressive disorder, chronic/acute/debilitating pain for years due to hernieated discs and deterioration. Chronic, cluster, complex migraines 300 days out of the year (no exaggeration); fibromyalgia and chronic myofascial pain have altered my psyche, my behavior, and it’s definitely altered my family’s life. So, when people ask me how I am doing, I give them the stock answer: fair today, have my rollercoaster moments, but I am trying to develop a daily maintenance plan. End of conversation, and no phonecalls, not one, from anyone in the congreation. So I don’t share anymore than my stock answer. I believe people who genuinely not like me if they got to know me any more. Although I scream for authenticity, I am a washed-up mill stone around my husband’s neck. Best for me to stay out of the way.
4.) Been holding tight for 53 years; it’s going to take someone much stronger and discerning to get thru all of the layers of deception.
5.) I am restless and anxious, never still long enuf to give God a change to do any secret-octomy. When I do try to read His word, my mind splinters into a thousand pieces. It is a spiritual disciplince that needs to be trained and mastered, but I haven’t yet.
6.) I am no longer able to work so I squirrel away all of the loose change available to be able to buy an ice cream cone, or maybe pick up a used book. My husband and kids know I do this & I jokingly defend it by saying its my allowance. But, I have lied about much bigger money issues.
7.) Over the years, especially during the last 5 when I have been sickest, I have learned to tell the truth without beating around the bush. I no longer have the energy to “gently confront.” I love the word authenticity. There are so many other words one can get from authenticity: author and authority for examples.
If you are able to “lay out concise steps to living a completely disclosed life,” I would either rapturously devour all of your material, or I would feel overwhelmed and decide it’s not worth the effort. My life is more than half over.